Let’s face it. Men and women by definition HAVE to be different.
If we weren’t then we’d all be the same sex and reproduce asexually (I know some who would prefer it that way).
There are some things men do better than women and some things women do better than men. Why constantly try to change each other to be what they’re not? If you really want him or her to be like you what you’re really saying is you’re gay and you want to spend the rest of your life fucking yourself. Just stay heterosexual and masturbate to your own picture.
Men and women both do wrong in relationships. I can admit that we both fuck up, especially where communication is concerned.
Men and women have different wants and needs, and we go about them in different ways.
Women want to be held close and listened to; they want to over analyze everything and must know why every little thing happens. Men don’t care. As long as we have sex and dinner, all is right with the world.
There exists a list of things you should NEVER to say to a naked man. If women don’t want us commenting on the size of their tits, or gods forbid, the size of their ass, don’t do so with us. ‘Nuff said.
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener and you are known by the idiot you are with and unless he’s in diapers never assume you can change a man. You should never let a man’s mind wander because it’s too little to be let out alone. It’s also okay to go for younger men. You might as well because we never mature anyway. Always remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her friends. Then she will write a poem about all men being assholes and get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, in the middle of the night, he will call and say, ‘I just called to let you know you ruined my life… I hate you… but, I want you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still giving each other wedgies. This is why high school romances rarely last.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction…he buys mirrored sunglasses, leather driving gloves, and a Porsche.
A man has five items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of Irish Spring, and a towel from a hotel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 284 and we wouldn’t be able to identify most of the items.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to buy these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a bruised apple, a ketchup bottle, and an empty beer case. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good and when he reaches the checkout his cart looks like the Clampett’s car on The Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop most of us from going to the 10-items-or- less lane.
A woman will dress up for every occasion imaginable; a man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that’s it; any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer.
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s using the same meaning of time as when a man says the game has just five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are “pass the Doritos” or “got anymore beer”.
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in history has a man excused himself by saying, “Hey, Adam, I was just about to use the ‘little boys’ room. Do you want to join me?”
Women do laundry every couple of days but a man will wear everything he owns before he will do his laundry. Women have colors, whites, and delicates; Men have clean, dirty, and funky. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take everything to the Laundromat (or mom’s house). On an interesting note we always expect to meet beautiful women at a Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by sitcom reruns.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As we get older, they simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: any kind of digital gadget, video games, and tools we neither need nor know how to use.
I hope this provides both men and women with some insight into relationships and how to overcome our differences. I’ll leave you with a bit of advice. Consider this analogy and you will never go wrong in a relationship.
A man is like a computer. We need to be plugged in, turned on and stroked in the right sequence. We also are prone to crashes and limited memory; A woman is like a telephone. They like to be held close and listened to but if you press the wrong button you’re disconnected.

Wolfie bows…
I will now prepare for the onslaught of cheers, jeers, and frying pans thrown at my head…..

© 2010 R. Wolf Baldassarro/Deep Forest Productions