*Received via email*

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud
boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re
on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can
learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At
least HE can spell. Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year,
and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t
they? Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don’t
know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to
get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear
Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,
who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me send you
some Legos instead. Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a
new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony
and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis”
nowadays? I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk
and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside
the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and
carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you
do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see
us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck
in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house. Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really
want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have
one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiny begging shit may work with
your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don’t
have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re
getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house; you live
in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams, Santa