To say that my father and I had a strained relationship would be an understatement, as we spent years not speaking to each other. Blame whichever emotion you like: pride, anger, resentment- it doesn’t matter. What matters is the time lost.
When we differ in viewpoint we always have the same response: We wait until we calm down; wait until we are able to see the situation more objectively; wait for the other person to apologize first. But life doesn’t wait for objectivity. It doesn’t set its clock by our pride. It simply moves forward endlessly at the same pace it always has.
When we fear that we may lose someone the initial reaction is to pray. We pray for another day; pray for a miracle; pray for health and wellbeing. What we are really praying for is time. Time to set things right; time to forgive and forget- you know… tomorrow.
But sometimes- sometimes- tomorrow just doesn’t come.
Do not wait until tomorrow to have that talk. Instead, yell and scream at each other today. Show that emotion today rather than let it slowly fester inside until we are either consumed by it or we simply let it go, because by then it is too late.
So it is that we find ourselves here, praying for more time.
When I received the message a few weeks ago that he was back in the hospital we went to visit him. He was uncomfortable, but that didn’t stop him from flirting with the nurse. We sat- often in silence- but we spoke. It was the most we had spoken to each other in a long time. It wasn’t about the mistakes of the past or who was wrong, but simple talk of how he was and a brief synopsis of life and work.
His last words to me as I left- in retrospect, his last conscious words- were: “Thank you for coming.”
He came out of the hospital and then a short time after went back and we all knew it wouldn’t be much longer once hospice was mentioned.
I reflected on those words often these recent days. I thought of their weight; their meaning; their lasting impression. So I share them with you today. To each of you reading this I say, “Thank you for coming.”
When you see your friends, family, coworkers, the girl who makes your coffee, or the man who always smiles and chats with you on the street, thank them for coming into your life. Thank them for walking beside you through your journey for as long as they were each meant to stay, for we are each of us on our own path. Sometimes that path is more enjoyable when someone walks beside us, so thank them for their shared time- no matter how long or short it may be, because there will come that inevitable day when we must part ways and we will all find ourselves pondering the same haunting question:
Which hurts more: saying something and wishing we had not or saying nothing and wishing we had?
Important lesson and beautifully written.
Thank you.
I cried
As always..well written. Thank you for sharing…wishing you and your family a happy new year.
Sadly, some parental relationships only have a happy ending when they are severed before the parent is able to inflict even more emotional & mental damage. Such was the case with my mother. I severed the cords that caused me much ongoing pain & disappointment. We were estranged the last 1 1/2 years of her life. I should have taken that step many, many years sooner. It was a powerful – and positive – move for me. I was once given this scenario by a psychiatrist and told to think about it:
A little boy is sitting at a train station with a suitcase. His side of the station is unlit, has no other passengers waiting, and the single track is rusted and overgrown with weeds. A man walks around the corner of the station and asks the little boy why he is waiting there, as that is an unused track.
I thought and thought, but could not come up with a fitting narrative.
When I next saw the therapist he explained that I was the little boy. I was waiting for my mother’s love to come down the track, but the rusted, unused track showed that no such train was coming.
That was like an emotional bomb that cleared my mind and allowed me to stop waiting at that track, allowing me to go to the other side where there was light, people and trains were always running. I am forever grateful for that insight. It helped start the process of shedding almost six decades of hurt and self-doubt.
I do have a wonderful & loving & supportive family on my wife’s side that I enjoy immensely.
Well said. It hurts more not saying nothing wishing you had. Been a year and a half since I lost my Mom. Not a day goes by that I wish I would have said more while she was here.
Andrew,
Long time, no see!
Aw, man, I am so sorry. I never heard that your mother died. 🙁
I think you are correct. A missed opportunity is worse than making a mistake.