We all know how stressful the workplace can be.
There’s office politics, morons for managers, and good days and bad days. It doesn’t matter if you work in a corporate office, a hospital, a factory, or retail.
I’m providing these friendly bits of advice to help you communicate better with your coworkers and bosses. Some of the advice is just ideas on how to make the workplace fun again and get through the day with a smile, even though you want to pound that certain someone into the ground.
It’s always easier when times are stressful to swear and use off-color remarks. But often people go too far and begin using such language at all times.
While it is of critical importance to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending your more sensitive employees.
SO:
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won’t work.
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares?
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.
TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:S hove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!
TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking prick.
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked:
10. No one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
6. You can see if it’s like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
4. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants”.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
1. Your boss is always yelling “I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!”
“Who’s in Charge?”
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said “I do all the thinking so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The eyes said “I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The hands said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The stomach said “I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we’d starve. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
The legs said “Without me we wouldn’t be able to move anywhere. So I’m the most important and I should be in charge.”
Then the rectum said “I think I should be in charge.” All the rest of the parts said “YOU?!? You don’t do anything! You’re not important! You can’t be in charge.” So the rectum closed up.
After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn’t take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story?
You don’t have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.
20 Sayings for Office Inspirational Posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings…they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Now, we’ve all done it. We start out with a strong work ethic but eventually the daily grind gets to us and we need extra time to recharge besides our two days off every week. The problem isn’t calling in itself. It’s timing and repetitiveness. Not to mention you have to space this shit out. You can’t call in every week with the same bullshit story, although women do get some leniency when it comes to childbirth, pregnancy, menstrual cycle, kids doctor and school issues.. Face it- women got it made in the excuse department. But I digress.
I hope the following excuses work for you as well as they have served me.
If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata’s acting up.
I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at CVS.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
Finally there’s the issue of fatigue. How often is it that you feel run down, tired and in a rut. Some days it seems like you’re the only one working.
For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of the U.S. is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.
